4 Ways to Tell Your Mom You Don’t Like Her Boyfriend
Are you unhappy with your mother’s choice of a new boyfriend? Is it something about HIM or is the issue more to do with how YOU feel about your mom moving on?
Maybe you feel that he isn’t good enough for your mom or he’ll never match up to your biological mom or dad.
You could even have genuine concerns about this new person in your mom’s life, and you’re concerned about how to go about telling her.
You aren’t alone. Lots of adult children feel upset, skeptical, and confused when either or both their parents find new partners no matter how their parents’ relationship ended.
It is important to know that this is both normal and OK to feel like this.
First make it clear in your mind what your issues are:
If you have not warmed to your mom’s new boyfriend or if it’s creating tension, your first step should be to take the time to understand why you’re feeling this way.
It could be that you’ve been protective of your mom and are uncomfortable with this new guy taking such a big role in her life.
You may not have not chosen this type of person as a partner for you mom or you could have genuine concerns about his behavior or reputation.
Your mom’s new boyfriend may be taking the place of a much-loved deceased parent. You may see him as competition or you could be having difficulty thinking about your mom as a sexually active person.
If you are unhappy about your mom’s new love interest, your mom will probably be torn between wanting to keep you happy and seeking her own.
Parents place a lot of value in their adult children’s acceptance and understanding in the same way that you seek their approval for your choice of partner.
When you are unhappy with your mom’s new boyfriend, you may find yourself behaving differently. To help you gain clarity, first ask yourself what the point of your behavior is- that is, what do you hope to gain by acting the way you are?
Do you think your behavior will sway your mom’s decision? Do you have a genuine dislike for this person and why? Are your concerns based on an observation of concerning behavior on his part or are they based on your feelings?
If you suspect you’re unhappy with your mom’s new boyfriend simply because they don’t match up to your other parent:
Try to work on your negative feelings and disapproval. Look past his shortcomings and focus on the things you do like about him.
Accept that you may not like him straight away but with time, space and positivity you may grow to like, even love, your mom’s new boyfriend.
We recommend that you keep the lines of communication wide open whilst you’re working through this.
Whether you want to voice more serious concerns, or you need to explain to your mom that you need time to accept what is happening, we’ve written these four ways to kindly tell your mom that you don’t like her new boyfriend:
Method 1 | Be Honest
I’m really sorry, I know he means a lot to you, but I just don’t really like your new boyfriend. [Insert reasons here] OR: I can’t quite put my finger on it; it’s just that he makes me uncomfortable.
When it comes to dealing with your parent’s new partners, it’s best to be honest. Your parents will appreciate your honesty, and will generally really value your opinion.
Don’t be shy about telling your mom that you don’t like her new boyfriend; if she didn’t care about what you thought, she wouldn’t have asked!
You don’t necessarily need to give her an exact reason, either, because sometimes you just can’t tell what it is that you don’t like about someone.
The best part about this script is that it allows you to either be completely and brutally honest with your Mom by telling her exactly what you don’t like about her boyfriend, or to give her a generalised yet thorough enough reason that won’t prompt further questioning.
This is a tactful response to a difficult circumstance. You won’t be aggravating the situation in any way, as it is polite and diplomatic.
If you do choose to reason that your Mom’s new boyfriend makes you uncomfortable, she will likely steer away from ‘forcing’ the two of you to bond in the future.
Another great reason to use this conversational template is that it gives you a chance to be apologetic to your Mom.
We know that you shouldn’t have to apologise for simply not liking someone, but in situations such as these where it might be important to your parents, it can really help to smooth things over if you act remorseful – it shows that you WANT to like him, or that you might be willing to invest more time into building a relationship.
Method 2 | Explain That It’s A Trust Issue
Hey, Mom, I’m glad that you’ve found someone that you really like! I personally don’t really trust him, so I can’t really warm up to him just yet. I’m glad that you’re happy, though!
It’s hard to like someone if you don’t trust them, and sometimes it’s harder to explain why you don’t trust someone.
Building up trust can take a LOT of time, so it’s completely understandable that you might not be there yet. If this is the case, don’t worry – this tactful response is an ideal way to let your Mom know.
To start with, you’re immediately expressing that you’re happy for your Mom. This should let her know straight away that you don’t want there to be any hard feelings or hostility, and that you’re genuinely pleased for her!
You’ll be effectively setting a positive, friendly tone for the remainder of the conversation.
As you acknowledge that you PERSONALLY don’t trust him, you’re also making it very clear to your Mom that you don’t expect her to change her opinion or share your own.
By saying that you can’t warm up to him just yet, you’re not eliminating the possibility that you’ll never like her boyfriend, implying that you might grow to like him in the future – this should alleviate any concerns that your Mom might have towards the relationship.
At the end of the conversation, it’s important to make sure that you remind your Mom that you really are happy for her. It will reassure her that there doesn’t need to be any negativity whatsoever!
Illustrations courtesy of Shutterstock.
This article was originally published on https://nevertherightword.com. If this article appears on any other site other than https://nevertherightword.com without clear referencing it is a violation of the copyright owned by https://nevertherightword.com.
Method Template 3 | You Don’t Really Know Him Yet
I’m not really sure if I like him yet. I don’t know him, so I don’t really know what he’s like. I’m happy to spend more time to try and warm up to him, but only if he’s willing to put the same effort in.
This is a crafty response that really utilises the elusive benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t quite let your Mom know that you don’t like her new boyfriend, but at the same time, you’re not saying that DO like him, either…
The best part of this script isn’t that it doesn’t actually confirm a dislike for your Mom’s partner, but that you’re willing to compromise and get to know him.
It will be important to your Mom that you like her new boyfriend. If you know that you don’t like him, it might be better to simply say you’re not sure on him yet, or that you don’t know him well enough to decide.
This will give the impression that you haven’t made your mind up, or that there’s still time to decide.
Another great reason to use this script is that it allows you to set boundaries: you’re telling your Mom that you want to get to know her Boyfriend, or that you’re not against getting to know him, whilst making it clear that you will only try to build a relationship if he does too.
Method 4 | You Don’t Have An Opinion
I mean… I don’t particularly like him, but I don’t dislike him, either…
Whilst this is quite similar to the script above, this one claims complete neutrality. Whilst you’re saying that you don’t have an opinion, you are alluding to the fact that you’ve already gotten to know your Mom’s new boyfriend, and you still don’t have an active opinion.
This script is good for a couple of reasons. The first one is that you’re being completely upfront about the fact that you don’t necessarily like your Mom’s new boyfriend, but at the same time, you don’t have any negative opinions of him, either.
The second is that this script implies that you’re not ready to further your own relationship with him; whilst the above script gives you the opportunity to lay out some necessary boundaries in order to begin to get to know your Mom’s boyfriend, this one does the opposite.
You can openly, factually and diplomatically state that you’re completely neutral towards him, and that you’re perfectly content for it to stay that way.
This is an ideal script to use if you know that you won’t have much interaction with your Mom or her boyfriend, such as if you’re a student studying away from home or if you live in a different city.
At Never the Right Word, our aim is to give you practical examples of how to handle life’s difficult conversations. If you have an awkward situation that you’d like example templates for, request a topic here.
Lastly, if you found this content helpful or want to share your own examples, let us know in the comments. We’d also be delighted if you shared this article and joined us on social media too!
Never the Right Word
Hi there! I’m Amy, and I’m the person behind Never the Right Word. I’m a designer-by-day who’s fascinated by human psychology; you’ll find me learning about what makes others tick through all types of media and good old-fashioned conversation.
In 2019 Never the Right Word was born to fill the gap of ‘how-to’ websites with copy and paste examples showing you EXACTLY what you need to say to steer difficult conversations into positive outcomes.
Relevant Books We Recommend...
Vital Conversations: A practical approach to handling difficult conversations, author Alec Grimsley coaches the reader how to identify, prepare and engage in various types of challenging conversations that could make all the difference to important personal and professional relationships. This book is designed to act as a coach to guide you through tricky situations like ending a relationship, entering the unavoidable conflict, and delivering negative feedback. If you've been putting off a difficult conversation that you know you need to have- this may just be the book for you. You can get your copy of Vital Conversations: A practical approach to handling difficult conversations, managing conflict, giving feedback, and influencing difficult people from Book Depository by CLICKING HERE.
In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, author Rosenberg presents his strategies for speaking our deepest truths, addressing our needs and emotions, and honoring those same concerns in others. Over the past 35 years, author Marshall Rosenberg has peacefully resolved conflicts in various situations such as families and workplaces across the world in 30 countries. This book outlines his secrets to communicate successfully in professional and personal relationships. Nonviolent Communication teaches the reader the art of observing others without judgment, authentic communication when it comes to our own needs and feelings, and learning to not take negative responses personally. CLICK HERE to get your copy of Nonviolent Communication.
In Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by author Professor Mark Williams a set of simple yet powerful practices are explored. These practices are designed to be incorporated into our daily lives to help break the negative cycle of unhappiness, stress, anxiety, and mental fatigue. The book is based on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) which revolves around a straightforward form of mindfulness meditation which takes just a few minutes a day for the full benefits to be revealed. MBCT is widely recommended by US physicians and the UK's National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence - and is (according to research) just as effective as drugs. Well worth the read we think. Get your copy of Mindfulness: A practical guide by CLICKING HERE.
In The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love by acclaimed relationship psychologist Dr. Ty Tashiro the science behind how to choose a great mate to find enduring love is explored. Dr. Ty Tashiro's research pinpoints why our decision-making abilities seem to fail when it comes to choosing the right partner and how we can improve our decision-making skills. Dr. Tashiro has discovered that if you want a lifetime of happiness it all comes down to how you choose a partner in the first place- an insightful read for many. Get your copy of The Science of Happily Ever After by CLICKING HERE.
Like Our Site? These Are the Resources We Recommend.
To build this site we used these highly recommended tried-and-tested tools:
We Trust Elegant Themes
The Elegant Themes membership gives you complete access to 87 amazing themes and 3 awesome plugins, including Divi, the ultimate WordPress Theme and Visual Page builder. Elegant Themes have been building the world's most popular WordPress themes for the past 10 years, and rest assured their products will always be improved and maintained.
We Build With Divi Theme
One of the most popular WordPress themes in the world. Building layouts is easy and fast, making it ideal to create mockups and wireframes, prototyping a design, and creating the website itself. Build from the frontend or backend. The builder is intuitive. It's easy to learn and can be used by non-developers to create amazing websites. Check out the official Divi Theme here.
We Customize With Divi Cake Plugins
Divi Cake’s main goal is to help the members of the Divi community find the perfect premium Divi themes, layouts, and plugins created by leading Divi developers and designers. Shop hundreds of premium Divi products like Divi child themes, Divi layouts, and Divi plugins on Divi Cake, the community driven Divi Marketplace. Find out more about Divi Cake here.
We ❤️Shutterstock Media
We get our images from the OG leader in stock assets. Boost your business with the right images. They're royalty-free and ready to use. Footage & Music Libraries. 4k Images Added per Hour. No Daily Download Limit. Speedy Search & Discovery. With flexible plans and countless amounts of premium content uploaded weekly, we couldn't leave Shutterstock off our list.
Skill-Up With LinkedIn Learning
When you want to enhance your professional skills with expert-led, online video tutorials, the only place to go is LinkedIn Learning (Lynda). With a subscription you get 24/7, unlimited access to over 13,000 business, design & tech online courses and with a free month. We like them because we get expert-led courses that we can access anytime, anywhere. What's not to love?
We're Hosted With SiteGround
SiteGround boasts a whole list of fantastic features at amazingly affordable prices. Along with multiple growth options, free site transfers and domains, built in Content Delivery Network integrations, WordPress support AND human support we wouldn't go to anyone else. They're basically faster, safer and more supportive- you can check them out here.
We Trust Grammarly Premium
Even seasoned writers need a helping hand at times, that’s why we trust Grammarly Premium. As the World's Most Accurate Online Grammar Checker, Grammarly Premium goes beyond grammar to help you ensure that everything you write is clear, engaging, and professional. Learn more about Grammarly Premium’s AI-powered assistant here.
Find Graphics With Creative Market
Creative Market is the world’s marketplace for design. Bring your creative projects to life with ready-to-use design assets from independent creators around the world. We love the unique finds, social media templates, vectors you name it they have it. I also doesn't hurt that our founder has a little store on there...